GET OFF MY PORCH, FLATLANDERS

July 23, 1924

by Ezekiel Nutter
Nutter's Mercantile & Sundries
Dorset, Vermont

Here I was, living a fine life providin' local folks with fishing gear and hot bread and the young'uns with more root beer barrels they can fill a bag with, and now I got nosy lawmen and typewriter characters botherin' me.

All because I wrote up the American League ball scores the other day after that missing feller Buttermilk said I could do it for him. Well how was I supposed to know he was missing? He bought a few groceries and sundries from me and I swear that was the last I seen him. All I did was wire my scores report to his newspaper in Detroit and the next thing you know I got his editor boss ringing me up and two men from the Bureau of Investigation gettin' their muddy shoeprints all over my porch and not even buying one root beer barrel.

Well, I didn't say a genuine word to any of them. Ellie Nutter's been sick upstairs these last two months and I can't afford to be carted off as a kidnapping suspect, especially when I ain't one in the first place. I told them all I was just a fan of Buttermilk's writing and sent my game stuff to his newspaper hoping they'd publish it. No sirs, I said, it's real quiet up here and you people are the first flatlanders I've seen since the last leaf time.

What I didn't say is that Buttermilk actually did show up this morning all unshaved and bloodshot to buy a cutlery set and some eggs. Looked like he'd been walking for an hour at least and I asked if he was okay and he said oh yes oh yes with a big half-loony smile, paid me too much and just walked back out. I figured he was just camping somewhere nearby and was new to all this nature around here like some of these hikers can get.

Anyways, now that I seemed to have scared off these big city garbage-eaters maybe I'll snoop around in a day or two after I close up and see what he's up to. If he ate some poison berries or got trampled by a black bear or a moose I'd get twice as many of these idiots up here all over again, so maybe I can give him an assistance or two and keep that from happening.

Thanks for listening!

MORE OF THEM AMERICAN LEAGUE GAMES TODAY:

TIGERS 5-10-0, at YANKEES 4-14-1
How about this for a reversing of bodies? Buttermilk's team hits three dongers, including Heilman and Manush right after each other in the 1st, and another from Manush later, while the Yankers get only one double and 13 singles. Two junky pitchers, Wells and Hoyt, have at each other until the relief folks make a bigger mess of things and Lu Blue wins it in the 9th with a high scoring flyball. That Ruth fella hasn't been gotten out for a couple of games and gets five singles here but they still fall down the chute. Ain't it a stitch, though, that Buttermilk's team starts winning the second he disappears on 'em?

at SENATORS 4-13-2, WHITE SOX 2-7-1
Everybody better jump off the tracks, because Big Train Johnson ain't stopping. 15-6 now is his record after he shuts down the smelly Sox on two hits in the last seven innings, and from what I've been reading that's a mighty tough bulldog to muzzle.

INDIANS 8-13-3, at RED SOX 6-13-1 (10 innings)
Boston finds another way to lose, this time on a triple by George Burns in the extras off Wingfield. Too bad, because they got three in the 9th to tie this thing before crappin' the bed again.

at ATHLETICS 11-16-0, BROWNS 4-11-1
Yahoo for the Mackers, who score six times off Wingard in the 2nd on eight hits, making a winner out of that usually useless hun Fred Heimach. Figure there might have been a few dozen crazies in the stands for this one.

AMERICAN LEAGUE through Wednesday, July 23
Washington Senators	65	31	.677	—
Detroit Tigers	53	44	.546	12.5
Chicago White Sox	50	44	.532	14
New York Yankees	48	46	.511	16
St. Louis Browns	44	52	.458	21
Cleveland Indians	42	55	.433	23.5
Philadelphia Athletics	41	55	.427	24
Boston Red Sox	39	55	.415	25